Why You Shouldn’t Tell Anyone Your Plans | Zain Khan
Don’t tell people that you’re going to go out and achieve something prior to initiating action toward that goal because, in fact, the positive feedback that we get will diminish the probability that we will continually pursue that goal in a way that allows us to achieve it. Now, I realize that there are some prominent examples in pop culture of people posting something on social media and saying, “You know, in three years I’m gonna be playing in Okara Stadium,” or “In two years, watch, I’m going to be at the top level of my game,” whatever that game happens to be. Sure, there are examples of that, and those are beautiful and inspiring examples. However, the scientific data tell us that if we inform people around us that, for instance, we are going to write a book or that we are going to start a podcast or that we are going to run a marathon or whatever it happens to be, more often than not, we get feedback that is generally positive in form.
I think that’s good and to be expected, frankly. A friend says to us, “Guess what I am going to do? I am going to write a book” or start a fitness program or start learning a new language and our response is “Oh, great, best of luck.” You can totally do it. You’re very likely to succeed. Go for it! How do you want me to support you? tell me if i can help you? Those are all, frankly, healthy exchanges. And yet the data tell us that the positive feedback that we get from others when we announce that we’re going after a goal activates certain reward systems and motivation systems within our brain that then quickly dissipate and diminish the probability that we will engage in the type of behaviors that actually lead us to achieve that goal.
I, of course, am not saying that accountability is bad. To the contrary, accountability is a great thing, both to ourselves and to others. We should all work on developing it throughout our lives. I’m merely talking about the myth of accountability in the context of goal pursuit. So, you could interpret the information I just gave you as meaning that perhaps it’s better to tell someone who doubts us that we are going to achieve a goal, and then, of course, they’re not going to give us the positive feedback, we’re not going to get all that reward circuitry activated. Rather, we’re going to get the friction circuitry activated of us wanting to prove ourselves and overcome the, let’s just say, the lack of faith in our ability to achieve a goal. And indeed, that can work; there is evidence that can work. But then, of course, you have to find someone who doesn’t believe in you, you have to get them to tell you they don’t believe in you, and that could have all sorts of deleterious psychological effects that might undermine the goal pursuit process and other things as well.
So, if you are lucky enough to know somebody who doubts you, go ahead, tell them that you want to pursue your specific priority goal. But more likely than not, the best thing to do is to simply keep that goal to yourself. You may need to inform a family member or others of, you know, where you will be between the hours of, say, 8 AM and 9 AM if you’re going to be exercising or learning a language or meditating, whatever it is during that period of time. But what I’m referring to here is what I will call the “Don’t Tell the World” rule. Don’t tell the world that you’re going to achieve X, Y, or Z. Just simply tell yourself. In fact, I would suggest that the more time you can spend with that one or two or three sheets of paper where you define the goal, the specific actions that you’re going to take, the more time that you can spend with that goal in your mind and on that paper, the higher the probability that you will achieve that goal. That stands in stark contrast to telling everyone around you that you’re going to achieve a certain goal. The so-called accountability myth, or the myth of accountability within the context of goal pursuit, would be the more specific way to describe that myth.
Now, it turns out there is some utility to having one person that is a so-called accountability buddy if that person is really just strictly addressing accountability. They are reminding you to do what you need to do, or they are asking you, “Did you do what you said you were going to do?” But that’s a bit more of a tough-love accountability model. What the “Don’t Tell the World” rule is really about is not getting the kind of dopamine and other forms of neurochemical reward that come from just simply saying that you’re going to pursue a goal because, as you’ll soon learn, that dopamine and other molecules, too, of course, are going to be critically important not just for initiating the sorts of actions required to achieve your goals, but for re-engaging and constantly updating your strategy to ensure that you reach your goals.
It’s worth mentioning that the friction model of achieving your goals does work. I mean, I, for instance, am somebody that if you know I were to say to a family member or friend, “Hey, I’m going to achieve a particular goal,” and they said, “No, there’s no way you can do it,” that would recruit a certain set of neural circuits and hormones and neurochemicals in me that would make me much more likely to lean into the required set of efforts to achieve that goal. But there’s a danger in approaching a given goal that way, especially if the goal is something that you already want to pursue, which is that then a lot of your effort becomes framed in the context of making someone else wrong as opposed to achieving the goal. And, of course, you can do two things in parallel: you can achieve your goal and prove somebody else wrong.
There’s something tremendously powerful about learning how to derive pleasure from the effort process itself that is, learning to enjoy the process of pursuing a goal for the sake of that goal, for yourself, rather than trying to pursue a goal simply to prove somebody else wrong. I’ll just tell you right now that intrinsic motivation that is directly attached to the thing that you are doing and route to a goal is the most powerful and sustainable source of motivation.
Writer : Zain Khan